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  “Alright, Avery.” She lets out a pint up breath. The ribbons speeding up their dance. “So, you’ll be moving to West End to live with your Uncle. Any concerns about that?”

  We’ve been having this same discussion for a couple of weeks now. Her talking me looking out the widows. Why she keeps bringing it up makes no sense to me. It’s not like what I think will have any impact on me leaving here or not.

  “No.” My hollow voice rings out.

  Another sigh passes from her blood red lips, “What about your friends? Wouldn’t you like to see them before you leave?”

  “No.”

  “Why is that Avery?”

  I turn back to look at her knowing it makes her uncomfortable, “I’m not the same girl any longer.”

  I’m coping and that’s what matters, and it’s not like any of my friends wanted to see me other than Jules. She stuck it out with me for a year before she finally gave up. Which I don’t blame her. Evan, my boyfriend never showed up, not once at least she did. It goes to show who really cares. Jules told me his lame excuse and break-up speech.

  Like I said before I’m different now in more ways than one. That bubbly dancer I was is gone. She broke along with her father that night.

  Last time Julie came to visit me, she finally lost it. She yelled and screamed, voicing her thoughts real loud. She finished her rant all in one breath.

  “I miss you Ave and love you, but I just can’t do this anymore. I know what happened was horribly wrong in so many ways. It’s like you’re not even here. Hells, you’re probably not even listening to me now. Let me know when my best friend comes back. Okay, girl.” She left that day with a whispered I love you.

  I haven’t heard from her or seen her since that day. She was wrong, though. I heard everything she said. I just didn’t feel. Didn’t care.

  “Avery. Where did you go just now?”

  “Nowhere,” I whisper, looking at her black painted finger nails.

  That’s it with her questions. The ribbons are a whirlwind of light red and dark grey. They blink in and out. Faster and faster. I’ve pushed her limits for today. I’m always seeming to push them.

  “Alright, Avery.” She crosses her arms, “You know I want you to see a therapist in West End and there’s also a therapy group that deals with situations like yours. It’ll be good for you. I do wish you the best of luck.” She gives me that fake smile that seems to always be plastered across her face and nods toward the dark wooden door behind me.

  I get up from the leather chair but stop with my hand on the door knob turning to look back her. A sweet smile blooms on my face making her eyes widen and I add a touch of sass in my voice, “You know Miss Theresa when you smile you might want to make it look half way guanine.”

  Her mouth pops wide open and I walk out the door letting in shut with a bang, echoing down the overly white hallway.

  I might not be able to feel anything now, but I learned from watching others. How their voice changes with whatever emotion they got running a wreck in them. The way their faces change depending on what their feeling.

  I can fake it with the best of them. They only thing I can’t fake is the dead look in my cold eyes. Never could change that, but most people don’t really notice. They hear the excitement in my tone, the wide smile that shows off my white teeth and that’s all they need. They don’t realize that the eyes are the door way to the soul and mine is dead.

  Chapter Two

  Avery

  THE CLEARING OF a throat as my eyes snapping up and my head going to the left.

  There’s an orderly clad in light green scrubs waiting for me in the hall. I watch as a light sweat peppers his wide forehead. He shifts his feet and a dark grey ribbon pop forth. It twists around his slim shoulders.

  “This way.” He mumbles his voice tight with fear.

  I turn and follow him down the white hallway. The fluorescent lights giving off a buzzing sound. Every so often he looks over his shoulder eyes meeting mine for a spit second then turning back around.

  We come to a stop at a locked metal door. The camera in the right corner blinks its little red light letting everyone know its watching you. The door unlocks with a loud beep and the orderly ushers me through into a small receptionist room.

  The floors are ash wood and the walls a homely brown. There’s a small nurses desk with a pink clad nurse behind it and two other doors both on opposites ends of the small space.

  I sign my name on the clipboard, showing the nurse my ID card. She won’t meet my eyes. One of many who looks at my nose instead, but at least she has a better grip on her emotions. No ribbons with this one.

  I get handed off to another orderly in bright blue waiting outside of the door to the left. The other door leads out into the Main Waiting Area. A lot of locked doors and check in stations around here and always guards. They like to call themselves orderlies but they’re guards. You can’t go anywhere without one.

  We walk down the center hallway that leads to the girl’s wing of the building. The floors here are a bright white but the walls are painted a bubble gum pink. Obnoxious looking in my opinion.

  We came to a stop in front of a white door with a small glass window and my name in big blocky stickers. Avery Black.

  The burly guard swipes his card on the scanner and the door beeps, popping open and I walk in.

  It’s a tiny room with a twin-size bed and the world’s smallest dresser. The room is if the bed on both sides. The color scheme in here is like every other room in the girl’s wing. Pale blue floor with a bright yellow rug at the end of the bed. Light purple curtains on the small bared window and pale green walls. They’re all about happy, calm colors here. It just looks like a three-year-old was told to decorate.

  As I look around I decide to leave the paintings and drawings I’ve accumulated over the many months here. They have no real value to me and the only clothes I have is the standard banana yellow jump suits the female patients wear. Which I don’t want either.

  I turn and look at the guard in his beady eyes, “I’m ready.” My empty voice slices through the air.

  A shudder runs through him as he nods his head, dark grey ribbons flare up around his head as he takes off back towards the way we came with me treading behind him. My eyes lock onto the dark grey ribbons. He’s afraid of me.

  Which he should fear me more than the other worker bees here.

  I had a roommate once. A nice shy girl and I found out this orderly liked to come visit her at night. That didn’t go down too well. I swiped a plastic knife from dinner and jammed it in his leg one night.

  I got a class nine violation and ended up in solitary for three months. When I got out the girl was gone and I had a room all to myself.

  He looks over his shoulder his eyes narrow but I know it’s a lie. The ribbons tell the truth. He has a look of fear that he tries to hide.

  I smirk and he whips his head back around. His stride picking up pace.

  They don’t like me much here. The guards and nurses. I’ve heard them talk, the pretty girl with the blank face, vacant eyes, and calm voice. They’re all afraid of me in one form or another and try to avoid me at all costs. It’s impossible to do here, but they try. Got to give them their props for that.

  We enter the same small room I was just in with the same pink dressed nurse. She has me sign out and hand over my Id badge.

  The orderly leads me towards the locked door on the right. A door I haven’t passed through since I’ve been admitted into Green Bier two very long years ago,

  The door beeps open and we walk through. I should be excited, happy maybe even a little scared being able to walk through this door, be in this room. I’m not. I’m just an empty vessel with a working brain.

  The main waiting room is spacious. Warm browns splashed across the large room. There’s only one person seated in a wing back light brown chair. He’s built like a lumber jack, wide shoulders, a scuff on his jaw line, and a head of sand brown hair, smartly dress
ed in a black suit. I’m sure was professionally tailored to fit his wide girth.

  I move further into the room, letting my feet drag on the dark brown carpet. They make a soft scuff sound that seems to sound like a gunshot going off in the quiet room.

  His attention pulls away from his many papers in his hands. His head snaps up. Ice blue eyes take me in from head to toe. Eyes like mine. Eyes like dads. This must be Uncle Jeff.

  He moves much faster than I thought for a man his size. His long strides covering the distance between us quickly. His arms swing open. He’s going to hug me. A man I haven’t seen since I was five. A man I don’t even know. He’s going to touch me.

  My body flinches back on its own accord. My back hitting the hunter green wall. He pulls up short. Long arms falling to his sides. We lock eyes. Dead ice blue to warm ice blue. Ribbons appear out in the air, reflecting the emotions turning is his gaze.

  Happy. Sad. Disappointed. The ribbons disappear just as soon as they blinked into existence. The fastest I’ve seen yet.

  “Sorry Avery.” His voice comes out soft but holds a commanding edge to it, “I’m Jeff. Just in case you didn’t recognize me.” A sigh escapes him, “And sorry about,” his hands wave towards me, “Just sorry. I was told the rules and it just slipped my mind for a second.”

  I give a small nod in return. He stares a little longer then strides back towards his vacant seat.

  I let out a pint up breath. My body relaxing and move further into the room. I don’t like being touched. Don’t want it. The staff learned the hard way. I was least likely to have a violent outburst if I wasn’t being touched. Skin to skin contact made emotions so much stronger and I can’t block them at all when I’m touched.

  That was one of the rules he mentioned. No touching Avery. Another one is closed in places. Four walls no windows tended to cause problems, but that one’s nothing new. I never did like being closed in with no way out.

  “No bags.” Jeff’s gruff voice filters to my ears.

  My gaze leaves the windows, swinging towards him. He’s looking at my guard with steel in his gaze, turning them a darker shade of blue.

  “Err . . . No Sir.” The guard stutters out. The already grey ribbons darken in hue, moving faster.

  Jeff’s face turns hard matching his eyes and he gives the guard a nod. Dismissing him.

  I watch the guard scurry through the door like the rat he is.

  “Here.”

  I look back at Jeff. His voice is softer than before like he doesn’t want to spook me. He stretches his arm out towards me. A pink duffle bag hangs from his massive hand.

  I shuffle closer, grabbing the bag from the bottom rather than the straps clutched in his hand.

  And wait.

  “It’s a change of clothes.” He says eyeing my banana yellow jump suit. “Go change while I finish out the paper work.”

  He takes his seat. Pen to paper.

  My eyes roam around the room till I spot the bath room.

  A click rings out in the small room as I lock the door. I turn and freeze. A mirror rests above the porcelain sink.

  I haven’t seen my reflection in a long long time. Glass was a big no no around us.

  The girl in the mirror looks back at me with lifeless eyes. Eyes that use to be beaming and alive. I move closer. She’s thinner but taller. Dull black hair hangs to her waist. No longer bouncy with curling ends. Dark circles under her lifeless eyes. Cheek bones are sharp and pronounced. I really do look like the zombie I imaged myself being.

  I no longer resemble the girl from my memory. The smiles and hint of mischief are gone. I shrug my shoulders at my reflection not caring and set the duffle bag on the small white sink.

  I unzip the yellow jump suit. Chucking it in the small trash can as soon as my feet slip free. Sports bra, panties and socks get pulled on first. I slip on a white tank and a pair of purple yoga pants. Both hangs off my skeleton frame. I grasp the shoes from the bag. My head tilts a little. The clothes are new but not the shoes. My pink and brown DC’s hang from my hand. Jeff must have packed up my stuff from home. I slip on the shoes and grab the last thing from the bag. Another thing from home. I pull on my Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie. I grab the now empty bag and leave the bathroom and that lemon scent. Not my favorite smell in the world. Kind of nauseating.

  Jeff’s standing at the wall of windows when I come out. His gaze on the small flower garden outside.

  “You look better.” A smile graces his lips as I walk up next to him.

  My eyes flick up, looking at his reflection in the window and give him a small smile in return.

  It’s fake. I know it and so does he from the look that comes into his eyes.

  He nods towards the dark wood doors, walking that way. His feet not making a sound while mine seems to pound on the plush carpet, seeming to boom like thunder.

  Outside. Another first for me in a while. I was deemed a flight risk after I slipped off into the woods that one time. Never allowed outside again. Always looking out through a window.

  I must shield my eyes with my pale hand going down the many cement steps. I’m not used to this brightness only the sun can bring. The air is fresh and seems to soothe my throat. My whole body.

  “It’s all the rental place had.” Jeff snarls out as he stops by a small red compact car.

  I peek at him through my fingers and back to the car. Light red ribbons come and go. It must be an uncomfortable fit. He’s huge, well over six foot something not to mention his wide shoulders.

  I slip into the small car easily. While Jeff mutters under his breath, all scrunched up in the driver seat.

  Several minutes go by as the car glides through the turns, before Jeff’s commanding voice rings throughout the silent car.

  “Shelly’s sorry she couldn’t be here.”

  My eyes stay glued to the window, watching houses and building go by as we drive through town.

  “You’ll like it in West End.”

  West End. Why would someone name their town West End? It sounds like a place people would go to die.

  “We have a five-and-a-half-hour flight with a two-hour drive ahead of us. It’s a charming little town.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see light red ribbons appear and disappear in seconds.

  “They told me, the doctors said to carry on a conversation with you as much as possible. It’s supposed to help you.”

  Light red and light blues are snapping in out. So fast they don’t have time to do that floating fluttering thing that the ribbons normally do.

  A deep grunt pushes out past Jeff’s wide lips, “Come on rainbow girl. Talk to me.”

  My heart stops and sputters.

  Two simple little words send my year and a half blocking to a crashing halt. I gasp out as emotions start wrecking a havoc on my body.

  Gut wrenching grief. My eyes water. Hollow loneliness. My breathing gets fast. Heart breaking sadness. I whimper, squeezing my eyes shut. That cat shire grin happiness. My lips try to smile as I bit them. Love. All-consuming love that a daughter could have for her father. I’m panting. My body tense. Finally, deep bone crushing anger that steels my breath and tears away.

  My head snaps around towards Jeff, a pop sound coming from my neck. My breathing is fast and deep.

  “DO. NOT. CALL. ME. THAT.”

  I’m full of deadly rage and my eyes start to tear up again. My body trembles like a small earth quake and a slight sweat mar my forehead.

  For one and a half years I have felt nothing. Nothing. Not even a minor sliver of an emotion and two small silly words just destroyed it.

  In this moment, I hate him with everything I am. I hate him for making me feel this. My heart tearing in two, my soul withering in my body. The pain taking my breath away.

  I turn back towards the passenger side window, but not before I notice surprise and relief flash across Jeff’s stern face.

  I shut my eyes and clutch my hands till they hurt. I take deep full breaths and
start counting backwards from twenty. I slowly start to restore my titanium steel wall, that holds everything back. Smooth out the cracks and fill in the holes. I will it to be stronger. To be impenetrable.

  My fists slowly uncurl and my breathing becomes normal once more. My eyes dry up completely. Not a tear in sight. I go back to watching out the window and just now realizing Jeff has pulled the car over.

  I slowly turn back and look at him. He eyes flick all over my face. He lets out

  a sigh and starts the car.

  I go back to watching the trees and houses pass by.

  The idle chit chat is over. What do you do when someone who shows no sign of an emotion, finally does? He does nothing.

  My void is back. That blank peaceful silence. Everything is how it should be.

  Rainbow girl. The nickname my dad calls me. Called. I wonder if he knew about the colored ribbons that haunt me.

  Chapter Three

  Avery

  THE AIR IN the car is thick with Jeff’s tension. I pay it no mind getting out of the car and look around.

  It’s small. I’ve never been on a plane or even in an airport before but I thought it would be bigger. Much bigger. More people.

  It’s a small parking lot with only one another car besides ours. The airport building itself is also tiny, a one floor brick building that looks like it holds a room or possibly two rooms. I’ve seen houses bigger than this. Behind the building is a giant steel hanger, I assume holds the planes.

  “It’s a private flight,” Jeff says his feet crunching the gravel in the lot. “I thought this would be better.”

  I nod my head at him. No people, well at least no extras.

  Jeff pulls two bags from the trunk, setting them on the hood of the car. His head is turned down, eyes shut. He releases a deep breath of air that seems to be riddle with sadness. His face comes up, eyes flickering around me. Looking, but not really. Something’s bothering him.

  I look back up to the sky again watching the clouds float by. I’ve missed being outside.

  The rattle of pills inside a bottle grabs my attention and I look back at Jeff.